‘The Bachelor’ Week Two Recap: The World’s Most Awkward First Date

It feels like I have one million things going on and then BOOM – It’s Bachelor Night!

This week’s problem?  No wifi connection.  Arguably, the worst problem to have when you’re trying to write a recap of The Bachelor, stalk Instagrams of the reality stars, catch the live tweets and Google a recipe for cookies.

Naturally, I rushed around like a headless chicken, reset the router and can confirm that The Bachelor is playing in the background while the smell of peanut butter and chocolate cookies is wafting through my house.  I’m feeling every bit like the cliche single white girl that I am.  I love it.  And cookies.

Last week, I led with a quick introduction to some of the main characters players, who I thought was going to be cast as the ‘villains’ of the show, and the highlights from The Bachelor Season 23 premiere.  Let’s see how long this episode will last before someone alludes to sex and Colton’s virginity.

A whole fourteen seconds. Wow.

First impression:

Colton does not sound excited.  He sounds bored, scared, and a little awkward. Maybe it’s because the first group date is going to be in a theatre with the theme of ‘firsts’.  This may not revolve around the ‘firsts’ that are sex-related, but you better believe it will. Because the franchise is playing on his virgin status.  Without shame.  Enough speculation – time for the group date!

Group date:  Who’s on it?

Demi, Tracey, Hannah G., Bree, Elyse, Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine. 

They head to a theatre and they’re greeted by Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.  The date was full of innuendo…and gardening.  Every woman had to tell their own story about their significant firsts at first, to Colton and two-hundred other random people.

demi, the bachelor 2019 group date theatre

Hannah G. gets the wise advice of imagining everyone in their underwear and Demi kisses Colton, on the group date, not only in front of the other girls but in front of the two hundred other people in the theatre. Of course, the date wouldn’t be complete without some cattiness between the girls – namely Catherine and Onyeka.

Oh, and Colton has survived to the age of twenty-six without having sex.  Because sex is a disease we’re all hoping not to catch.

Before we cut to an ad break, we’re shown teasers from other scenes showing Colton walking around shirtless, frolicking through water and making out with a bunch of women before declaring he’s ready to lose his virginity.

The group date rose went to Alyse and I was beyond happy with his choice!  I finally saw the connection and the fun those two have together.

Next up: The Famous Single Date!

“Hannah B. – true love is on the horizon.”

it’s her golden birthday and he’s chosen her to be the very first one on one.  No pressure, right?

They leave the mansion in the typical fancy car complete with camera angles, and horse-riding.  They end up in the Vasquez Rocks and Colton is so excited to be on a date with someone who can just “have fun and let loose”.

Follow that awesome one-liner up with some an awkward toast and pauses, and Colton states “I feel like this date hasn’t gone as I was expecting it to be”.  This follows with conversations about him questioning not only this relationship but all of them.  I can sympathize with Hannah B. because I take a while to open up, too.  Still, girl, grab that moment!  You only get to go on The Bachelor (franchise) once…or twice.

Colton hints at knowing that something was off and that Hannah B. wasn’t comfortable and pretending like she had to be perfect.  Somehow, she took that has a chance to ‘open up’ and ask Colton about his virginity.  Again, shocker: He’s a virgin people!  Just in case you’ve been living under a rock.  This, however, opens the floor for Hannah to confide that she regrets not waiting for marriage.

Surprise, surprise.  She opened up about part of her life and she got a rose.

Date card:  ANOTHER group date!

“Alex, Erica, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Courtney, Caitlyn, Cassey, Heather – I camp fight this feeling anymore.”

Hold on, we’re reminded that Colton isn’t the only one who likes to go slow because Heather still hasn’t had her first kiss!

Ok, on with the date! 

They’re going to camp.  Summer camp.  However, nothing can be this straight-forward with such a large group of women.  No.  No, no, no.  The girls are split into groups and are forced to compete against each other in a Bachelor Camp Jamboree.  The ‘events’ consisted of a relay, canoe race and a tug of war.

Oh, and Colton’s never had a one night stand. Because he’s a virgin.

The red team won so they get to stay with Colton for the night.

camp group date the bachelor

Heather (aka never-been-kissed) is on Team Red, so she’s staying the night.  She’s also telling Colton that she’s never been kissed.  The ironic thing is that you could see the chemistry there and it was undoubtedly the perfect moment for them to kiss.

We skip over some more conversations with Colton and the other girls.  I’m hoping there will be a nice balance between pleasant-yet-forgettable conversations and deep-and-meaningful played on television.

Surprise (or not), Heather receives the group date rose.  And every girl now hates her.

Cocktail party

Demi opens the night by saying that all the older women are at a disadvantage.  Again.  Yet, I don’t see Demi with a rose in her hand.  Can someone say ‘villain’?  The producers are really driving their point home with her.

There are some conversations that are ~nice~ but don’t hold much drama factor, so we gloss over them in two minutes.  Until someone comes in with an air horn.  And the interruptee retaliates with a pot and a wooden spoon.  What she wasn’t expecting was being told the interrupter wasn’t going to leave.  Awkward.

Things get weirder and weirder as we see Demi traipsing through the house in a bathrobe because she wants to show Colton her fantasy closet.  It leads to the comment of “Does she even have parents?” which is awkward because her mum is in prison.  Tracey ends up crying in her room while Demi cements her role as a villain.  And saunters about in her robe some more.

Time for the handing out of the roses!

Taisha gets the first rose in the ceremony.  Everyone monologues about how nervous they are.  Demi monologues about how awesome she is.  Tracey gets the last rose.

Exits:

  • Angelique
  • Annie
  • Alex
  • Erika

This is going to sound bad, but who are they?  I remember nothing about these women.  I don’t know if it’s because they didn’t get much screen-time or because they spent all of it worrying about how they weren’t talking to Colton.

…And there you have it!  My recap of the second week of The Bachelor 2019.  (You can see the first one here).

I’ve seen teasers for this season and I have to admit – it looks good.  Maybe it does break all the rules of previous seasons.  I guess we’ll have to stay tuned to find out!

What did you think of this episode?  Is Demi the villain or it is someone else?  Who is your favourite?

signature, the caffeinated millennial

3 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’ Week Two Recap: The World’s Most Awkward First Date

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