‘The Bachelor’ Week Five Recap: A New Experience, The Shock Exit, and More Drama!

Hello loves, this post is coming to you a few days late because your girl is sick as a dog.  This week’s The Bachelor recap is coming to you from my bed, complete with fixings of electrolyte drinks, tea, toast, and a puke bucket.  Yum.

This week, the girls are in Thailand.  Demi introduces us to Thailand and refers to herself in third person, which is something I 100% expect from her.  The branding for this girl is on point.  Hannah B also says that Thailand will be a prime ‘make out’ location.

The girls are all sitting together, talking about Thailand when a date card arrives.

Single date: ‘Heather, let’s experience something new’ – Colton.

She looks like a smitten kitten and is excited.  With good reason.  Because she’s the girl who hasn’t kissed anyone or been in love before.

They meet on a pier and Heather does the standard ‘jump and wrap your legs around him’ maneuver, which is mildly awkward because it’s usually paired with a kiss.  Nevermind!  They’re off to explore Thailand in one of the most authentic ways because they’re getting on a Thai boat, people! #authenticity

We flashback to the apartment where Elyse is talking to Kirpa about how the reality is hitting home after her one-on-one date.  Part of me is stunned that the girls are always surprised that they don’t get a one-on-one every week and there are other girls dating the same man.  The other part of me is confused by Kirpa.  What happened to her?!  Homegirl has a bandage on her chin and we’re given absolutely no explanation.  Cool.

Meanwhile, Heather and Colton arrive at the floating island.  Colton listens to a shell and says “it sounds like hope”, which, boy, come onHeather talks about how she wouldn’t mind if Colton kisses her, which is backed up with an extreme close up on Colton’s lips.

They walk through some markets with ice-cream (yum!) and then end up sitting on a dock, looking at the rocks and greenery.  It’s unbelievable, guys.  Bring on the night portion of the date!

Colton wants to know about Heather’s past relationships.  Apparently, she ‘dated casually’ in high school.  I’m confused as to what she means by this.  I had boyfriends in high school but most of them consisted of awkwardly sitting next to each other and not talking or making out on the back half of the playing fields.  She also dated someone for eight months because he was kind and driven, but never kissed him.  Homegirl, what?

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Credit: TVNZ / The Bachelor

Heather makes it very clear that she isn’t waiting for marriage to kiss someone, that she knows it’s part of a relationship and definitely part of The Bachelor.  Colton gives her the rose and they go for a walk and talk some more about the scenery which is ‘so good’. Suddenly, fireworks suddenly go off and everyone (including me) is alarmed by the sound.  Colton goes in for the kiss, of course.  I hope that there would be butterflies, excitement, and fireworks, and literally – there were fireworks.  Both Colton and Heather seemed genuinely into the kiss and excited, so I am so, so happy for the two of them.  #Colter for the end game!

The women are wondering if Heather was going to come in right as she walks in.  Immediately, they start talking about the date and everyone seems so excited for her.  Except for Elyse, who is oddly ‘dressed up’ compared to the other women, who are in normal cozy clothes.  She gets up, walks out and slams the door. #drama

We cut to Elyse walking through the night as we listen to her talk about how she’s doubting things and how it’s hard to see Colton forming connections with other women.  Surprise, surprise she ends up at Colton’s suite and he doesn’t look shocked to see her, but he doesn’t look excited either.  Immediately, Elyse dives deep into her feelings and how she wants the time and attention that a relationship deserves.  Fair girl, but that’s not how this game works.

Things take a dark turn when Elyse starts talking about how she wishes that Colton would just dump her.  Colton says that he doesn’t just give up on relationships, but we can see Elyse shutting down more and more as the conversation goes on.  She says that she can’t accept a proposal after sharing him with other people for months which is the entire premise of the show.  Again, how are women surprised by this?  She says that she has to leave and you can see how that cuts Colton to the core.  She’s in tears, he’s defeated and this whole thing is just one big mess.

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Credit: bachelorfanpage / Instagram

And with that, we have the first voluntary departure.  One that Elyse immediately regrets.

Colton is back and vlogging!  I don’t know about you, but I’m so here for it.  Colton talks about how there’s still a chance for Colton to get hurt at the end which is true but The Bachelor is kind of rigged so he is definitely not going to get hurt.  You know, since he eliminates people every week.

Group date: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, and Hannah G., ‘Will our love survive?’ – Colton.

They’re in the jungles of Thailand!  It’s not a cute jungle.  It looks wet.  And muddy.  They meet Joe and go for a wander while Joe talks about what they need to do and look for to survive in the jungle.  Colton eats a banana shoot and it looks like celery.  Joe holds up elephant poo to Hannah B.’s face and I’m horrified.  But apparently it can start fires when it’s dry, so hey, I’m learning something! #themoreyouknow

Hannah B goes from someone who is afraid to eat ‘weird foods’ to a girl who casually throws back a live bug. Um, what?  We hear the crunch as she eats it and we see Colton sneakily throws his grub over his shoulder while he pretends to eat it.  The sly dog.  Nicole grabs out an eel with her bare hand and my whole body convulsed.  Ick.  Tayshia let a scorpion crawl on her hand and Colton looks equal parts horrified and repulsed.  Me too, buddy, me too.

Not to be outdone by women younger than him, Colton holds onto a rather large snake until it starts peeing.  He does a quick duck and weave and runs away.  Clearly, his football skills are coming into play during this date.

They get split up into groups to find food and water.  Kirpa still has the bandage on her face and we still have no explanation for it!  Just, what?  Demi, Hannah B., and Hannah G. are in a team and I’m here for it.  I have some irrational love for Demi.  Demonstrated by her line of “why do you have to work harder when you can think smarter?”  Oh, Demi, you are my bitchy spirit person.  They get in a vehicle and immediately leave to get cocktails and burgers.

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Credit: Demi / Instagram

Meanwhile, Tayshia and Colton are having a hot and heavy makeout session in the jungle.  Get it, girl!

Two teams pull out water, banana plants, and grubs.  Meanwhile, team three come back with two full bottles of alcohol and a platter of burgers.  Joe laughs because he knows he’s been out-smarted by these women.  Colton loves it, as would I; however, the girls didn’t listen to the rules and team one wins.

They get cleaned up and head out for the night portion of the date.  Again, Demi has the best one-liners as she casually mentions that there were three women in one shower.

The night portion of this date just seems like a mini cocktail party and Colton starts the night with a toast.  Tayshia and Colton go for a walk on the beach and they have a nice conversation and kiss on the beach.  Of course, because Thailand is so romantic, guys.  Hannah B. wants to show Colton ‘what love looks like with Hannah’.  AND THEN SHE TELLS HIM THAT SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM.  Which is the exact opposite of the conversation he’s about to have with Onyeka.

Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse told her that Nicole is here for an opportunity to leave Miami.  Which, what?  Why do these girls go straight to Colton instead of talking to the person it involves?  It blows my mind.  Every time.  Naturally, Colton goes and pulls Nicole and they have a chat, whereby he immediately throws Onyeka under the bus.

Onyeka is back with the rest of the girls and they’re discussing what she said to Colton.  Tayshia immediately jumps in with “Well, I was there for that conversation and that was never said…”.  That statement makes Onyeka’s expression change to one of someone who is dead inside.  Nicole comes back and she turns into a deer in headlights.  Right now, she absolutely knows that she has royally fucked up.  Is this going to be a Caelynn vs Hannah B. 2.0?  #drama

Hannah B. gets the group date rose and honestly, this is the biggest comeback in the history of The Bachelor.

Single date: ‘Cassie, I’m looking for love deeper than the sea’ – Colton.

They meet on a pier and get on another boat to go to another island.  Honestly, are the producers running out of ideas?  There’s a whole lot of nothing on this island, which makes me question where the hell they’re supposed to go to the bathroom.  In the ocean?

This date is confusing because there’s not a whole lot to this date, other than their steamy makeout sessions.  On the pier, on the boat, on the island, in the ocean.  If the producers are trying to show the world that Colton is a sexual being, they have definitely achieved that with this date.

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Credit: TVNZ / The Bachelor

Cassie talks about how she didn’t expect anything like this and how the day has been amazing.  It leaves me questioning everything they did on this date because it didn’t look like a lot of anything.  Onto the night portion of the date!

They’re clothed, drinking wine and Colton makes another toast.  He’s really, really good at them.  Hannah B. could take lessons from him.  Cassie talks about how she’s not a virgin (shock!) and how her whole life is laid out for everyone to see and judge.  They then take the date to the bedroom, where Cassie and Colton are in bed and making out.  Seems a bit ironic after the conversation they just had, but maybe they’re really trying to push this ‘Colton is a sexual being’ thing.

Naturally, Cassie gets the rose.

Time for a cocktail party!

Another night, another toast by Colton!

Tayshia and Colton go down to the beach and release a lantern into the night which is painfully cute.  Points to Tayshia for taking advantage of the short amount of time that she got with him.  Next up is Demi and she gives Colton ‘trust rings’ and says a little something about open communication and how she’s always going to protect him.  Well bless her heart, is she trying to show him another side of herself?  Kirpa (with plaster still on her face) examines Colton’s teeth, which is confusing.

Nicole is someone who deserves her own paragraph.  She starts by reassuring Colton that she’s here for the right reasons and that she does love Miami but she has loved getting to know Colton THEN she proceeds to throw Onyeka under the bus by saying that she’s been bullying her since they’ve been in the house and said that she’s mentally unstable.  Girl, have you not learned anything?

Colton immediately goes and pulls Onyeka.  Initially, the conversation is good but you can tell that he’s going through the good to get to the ‘concerning’ part of the conversation.  She said that she would never say that and that she’s never been called a ‘bully’ before.  She then proceeds to call Nicole “a psycho” and “crazy” which, um, excuse me?  Does that or does that not refute everything she just said?

Nicole and Onyeka go for a ‘chat’ which ends up with them flat-out yelling at each other.  It’s pretty clear the other girls are uncomfortable and even I am feeling second-hand embarrassment for everyone involved.  Colton goes and sits down with the girls, who continue to bicker and yell at each other.  He tries to get a few words in but they keep bickering, so he gets frustrated and walks off.

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Credit: TVNZ / The Bachelor

Onyeka follows him and tries to talk to him, but he shakes her off.  Nicole also tries to pull him, but he shakes her off too.  #drama

We’re left with a cliff-hanger.  No end of the cocktail party and no rose ceremony.  Colton walks off and says that he’s sick of it.  I agree, bud, I agree.  However, that’s what you get when your group of women is in their early twenties.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what next week brings!

As always, if you’ve missed any of my recaps, click on the links to look back at week one, week twoweek three, and week four!

signature, the caffeinated millennial


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