Alert the press. Tell the paparazzi. Someone warn the god damn state troopers. The Caffeinated Millennial is back and she’s here to stay (I think).
2020 has been a fucking t-r-i-p.
I would have laughed in your face if you had told me that the world would be gripped by a pandemic in 2020. I would have thought you were on a bad trip or had visited one too many shady “fortune tellers”. Unfortunately, we all know Coronavirus (COVID-19) is a very real thing and has brought about a very scary reality to many people. People losing jobs, homes, and relationships – everything a person works towards was taken in a moment’s notice.
My heart has broken over and over for those who have been affected – and continue to be affected – by the pandemic.
I am one of the “lucky ones”.
I didn’t lose my job, house, or any of my loved ones. In that, I am lucky. I did, however, lose myself in this pandemic.
Level Four Lockdown gave me time to think. Too much time to think. And rethink. Overthink.
Analyse. Change. Grow.
In May, I resigned to follow a dream of moving to Christchurch in the pursuit of studying and becoming a social worker. You know what everyone says about the best laid plans. And intentions. The universe laughs. Loudly. The very next day, I rescinded my resignation as something “didn’t feel right”. My intuition was screaming at me to stop the car before it went off the cliff.
I tore my life apart and hurriedly pasted it back together. Only, it felt like I had forgotten a part and nothing quite fit the way it originally did. Why did it suddenly feel like I was missing a key piece of the puzzle? I was happy before all of this, wasn’t I?
I am one of the lucky ones.
I went back to work. I went back to the daycare routine. I went back to plane watching and leisurely coffee mornings during the weekend. Life as I knew it (with fun additions of additional lockdowns and masks) went back to normal. The “new normal” as we lovingly labelled it.
And still, despite all this luck, I felt like I was missing a giant piece of the life puzzle.
The feeling of “this isn’t it” returned.
On a whim, I applied to study social work through a different education provider. I produced the cover letter, resume, references, and background checks. I passed one interview. And another one. I got an offer of place. All of a sudden, it felt like the pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Everything was a bit hazy around the edges, but I had no doubt that it would all slot into place, in time.
Well, it’s time.
I resigned. Again.
One week ago, in fact. And it feels as though I have finally, finally let go of a breath I didn’t know I was holding in the first place. I can breathe again.
I am ready.
And, more importantly: it feels right.
Would I be in this position if 2020 hadn’t unfolded in the way it did?
I would like to think so.
Perhaps with a few less battle-scars but that would be accompanied by a lot less conviction, too. I could have given up at the first hurdle. It would have been easy. If anything, this has only further improved my resilience and belief in what I am doing with my life, no matter how “hard” it is going to be.
Change is a scary, soul-shattering process. I’ve also learned that rejection, whilst painful, is redirection. What is meant for you will not pass you by. A new, better, and shinier door will open. The universe is always working with you to bring you exactly what you need or something better.
It may not always feel like it, but the universe has a plan for you.